I have a terrible confession to make: I love infomercials. Take the most useless product, film a thirty minute piece of propaganda about that product, fill those thirty minutes with third rate actors, bad lighting, and relentless BUY BUY BUY speech which for the most part completely disregards honesty and reliability and there you are. Me on the lazyboy avidly watching. Improve my golf swing? Prepare cake and fish cakes in the same cooker at the same time? Eradicate dust mites? But wait, there's more? Holy shit, I love watching this stuff.
But you know what kind of commercials I hate? Commercials that say, "Hey, I'm not a commercial. I am YOU. Only more clever, sexy, and fun. Give me your money and we'll make a deal." Infomercials do not pretend to be me. They just want to be my friend. Fair enough. But certain companies with too much money and not enough time (look into 30 minutes!) try to squeeze in all of their pushy, desperate, annoying bits in 60 seconds and I'm not having it. I want you to sell your shit, ad people, not play with it.
WTF was that? Thanks for ruining that song Candy Posers.
I....you know, actually, they're gonna have to sweeten the deal with not just one, not just two, but four gangbangs for $19.95. Because that's what these ho's are worth.
That's the last time, Bender. Thats the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, you hear me? I make $31,000 a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it all away on some punk like you. Wait a second, are those from Penny's?
Nobody would like you if you didn't have your damn low, low rollback prices, Wal-Mart. Keep your dirty hands off Carol of the Bells.
Ugh. Too much. Too much lying. Too many falsehoods and outrageous claims written by corporate goons with too little time. I am a simple person. All I need are paid performers with no experience talking about something they've never heard of before in a studio setting and also Cher is there as well. Or that Dyson guy.
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