I love to scour the celebrity blogs online. It's a genetic thing. But lately there seems to be a plethora of new actors, hangers-on, wannabe's, socialites and even films and musical acts all of whom I have never heard of. This is an unnatural thing. Who the hell are these people? My investigation: Ryan Adams: A musician? He has a beef with Courtney Love. Girls Aloud: A British girl group. The Watchmen: ? Glow In the Dark Eyes a good guy/anti-hero? Lauren Conrad: Actress. Is she also "Lo", or is that another girl? DemiLoveto/Selena Gomez: Jr. Disney girls. Beef with Sr. Disney Girl. Kristen Bell: No idea. Jonas Brothers: Boy Band of brothers. Pete Doherty/Amy Winehouse: Junkies. Twilight: A vampire book series. Emmy Rossum: Edwardian-looking singer. Spiedy: Vacuous duo extraordinaire. Ryan Gosling: Actor. Nerd. Gossip Girl: Teenage\witless Sex and the City. My investigation remains open because now I have to pull back from tabloid fodder and go back to work. Too many bigger fish to fry like insurance, mortgage, education, vaccinations, television, gas prices, peeling paint, grey hairs, groceries, plumbers, kids, spouse, parents, dog, retirement, day care, library books, and melanoma. Tomorrow is another day Khloe Kardashian.
I have a terrible confession to make: I love infomercials. Take the most useless product, film a thirty minute piece of propaganda about that product, fill those thirty minutes with third rate actors, bad lighting, and relentless BUY BUY BUY speech which for the most part completely disregards honesty and reliability and there you are. Me on the lazyboy avidly watching. Improve my golf swing? Prepare cake and fish cakes in the same cooker at the same time? Eradicate dust mites? But wait, there's more? Holy shit, I love watching this stuff. But you know what kind of commercials I hate? Commercials that say, "Hey, I'm not a commercial. I am YOU. Only more clever, sexy, and fun. Give me your money and we'll make a deal." Infomercials do not pretend to be me. They just want to be my friend. Fair enough. But certain companies with too much money and not enough time (look into 30 minutes!) try to squeeze in all of their pushy, desperate, annoying bits in 60 seconds and I'm not having it. I want you to sell your shit, ad people, not play with it.
WTF was that? Thanks for ruining that song Candy Posers.
I....you know, actually, they're gonna have to sweeten the deal with not just one, not just two, but four gangbangs for $19.95. Because that's what these ho's are worth.
That's the last time, Bender. Thats the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, you hear me? I make $31,000 a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it all away on some punk like you. Wait a second, are those from Penny's?
Nobody would like you if you didn't have your damn low, low rollback prices, Wal-Mart. Keep your dirty hands off Carol of the Bells.
Ugh. Too much. Too much lying. Too many falsehoods and outrageous claims written by corporate goons with too little time. I am a simple person. All I need are paid performers with no experience talking about something they've never heard of before in a studio setting and also Cher is there as well. Or that Dyson guy.
In spite of this silly, confusing world we've surrounded ourselves with I endeavor to find something that remains pure and undiminished. Life is too short to sweat the big stuff so I'm gonna begin a series of topic that I believe to be good, decent, and everlasting. Let's go ahead and shoot my foot off with #1: PBS. Ok, say what you like. You don't tune in everytime there is a new American Experience. You think that fundraising twice a year and noncommercialism is the long way up a short hill. You never learned to read. I feel your pain...no, I lie. PBS is the last bastion of new communication-the free stuff. You don't need a subscription. You don't need a uniform. But you will need an intelligence quotient and that least capitalized American virtue-an open mind. In TV world PBS is the gentle professor, it is the uncharted heart, and it can go on forever. I defy you to say that you can't love this:
They are some good singers! So classical and yet so fresh. Give some of your extra money to these people.
In an alternate universe Bruce Wayne might have had a chance for a normal, happy life. His childhood is gilded by his parents adoration and bottomless pockets. As a man, Bruce wakes up, he eats his truffle omelet in the limo on the way to open a couple of non-profits, he makes love to Giselle Buchon, and goes to sleep. Rinse and repeat for 80 years, and then he's off to the big penthouse in the sky. Unfortunately, in this world, little Brucy is a billionare manic despressive unhinged by his parents murder. Pair that with a inclination for vigilantism and you've got a moody, self-absorbed, dime-store philosopher with a penchant for rubbery roundhouse kicks: Batman. What exactly am I to love about this superhero again? What exactly separates him from criminals? Oh, yeah. His Christ complex. His money.
This movie is so long, so conceited, so violent, and ultimately really boring. Apparently Batman has issues with Batman, Gotham is sinking into corruption, and a psycho clown with dry mouth is making a strong case for the Chaos Theory. A smart-alec slouchy twit called Rachel Dawes has captured Batman and Harvey Dent into one of the least believable love triangles: no chemistry whatsoever. Rachel? Button up your shirt, dear. You are not Vicky Vale.
More people blown to bits, or bashed, or thrown through glass, or shot than I can count. A gun is held to a kid's head by a man with half of his head burned off. I am supposed to be comfortable with the film's zero moral responsibility, zero ethical responsibility regarding human life but why? If you believe the filmmakers, The Dark Knight is about the randomness of violence and the courage of a man to stand up to evil and fight for all of us. Call me crazy, but I think you can point out all of the flaws of humanity without perpetuating them yourself. How about not even writing or filming this sort of degrading, sleazy nonsense at all?
Conversely, I did like the aesthetics of it all. Very Dakar Noir meets Bauhaus. Good lighting, nice sounds. And I liked Alfred. Such a wise and giving servant. I wish I had one.
I hereby go on record and state that I do not like the new Batman movies. I believe that they are superficial, dull, and engage the viewer in base and primitive stories. They take themselves far too seriously. For my Batman dollar, I'd rather watch this any day.
Like most households, we have a routine in the morning that centers around the act of waking. For our part, my husband and I drink coffee and watch 15 or so minutes of the Today show in the bedroom. I suppose that ostensibly we're also watching Channel 2 for local weather and news, because in "my neck of the woods" Julie Chin in a little burst of sunshine and Erin Kristie's hair and makeup fascinate me. But what I really, really like to do is to lie in wait for Anne Curry. The boobs on the Today show are bland as pudding; I'm talking to you Lauer. Their topics (Should You Save Money for Retirement?) push the borders of inane/offensive/boring and the "hard" news is terrifyingly soft. What gives me that extra something over my Folgers is a force of bad journalism, a horse of many colors, a fashionista of the damned-Anne Curry. So many questions explode in my brain when she is on screen. Where does she come from? Is her closet arranged in alpha order? Is she even literate? As a way of explaining La Curry, I think of her as a sufferer of Multiple Personality Syndrome and try to identify which personality she is at any given moment. Like the lady herself, it's amusing as it is pathetic.
Personality #17. Team Member. As a professional, Anne will go to any lengths to prove her importance within the NBC family. Even when her family chronically sends her far, far away and then laughs at her. She makes a good show of bucking it up, but you know she knows what they are thinking. "I'm still heeeeeeerrrrrrre!" In Antarctica.
Personality #54. Serious Journalist. Oh her grave tone of voice. Her furled brow. The grand judgement statements letting us know she cares. If only she could get by with posing alone this woman could save the world. Way to go, Anne. Way to go.
Personality #378. Human Being. In a bold move Anne has decided to display not only her sense of humor (!), her uncanny ability to read words while looking at a camera, but she also gives snaps to the fashion forward nerd in all of us. This, finally, is the Curry!
Outside of being black and male, Hardaway's mug is exactly like mine when watching Anne.
I enjoy looking for symbolism in my everyday, mundane life. It is a fun game to play. Some of my favorites: watching two people bicker under a stop sign, swearing off booze then receiving wine glasses as a gift, a white butterfly when I'm in a pickle....stuff like that tickles me. One of my very favorite symbols is that of the angel. I am not a religious person, so I'm not describing a heavenly being. If you disregard the religious aspect of the angel you have a random human embodying a good and kind virtue, an act that illuminates your soul if only for a moment. These are the strangers that enter your life to help you and then disappear; they are the ones that pick up your papers when your hands are full, they give you their place in line when your baby is screaming, they provide jumper cables when your car is dead. You thank them and then they are gone and it strikes you that their assistance and warmth was no mere coincidence. That person was an angel.
I only bring this topic up because the other day I experienced the most serendipitous angelic incidence ever. I was having a bad day; I was Fat and Ugly. I'm not really fat or ugly, I'm an average person, but what can I say? It was one of those days. I decided to go for a walk and get some fresh air. Barely into my first block, I pass two women on the sidewalk. They are of the Venus of Wilendorf ilk and were chattering together as I smiled and sidestepped. One of the women, the bleach blond in the white tank top said, "See? This is why we walk. To be skinny like you." I am so taken aback I responded with "Oh. Gosh!". They continue on and I no longer feel fat. Instead, I am invigorated and take a long, indulgent walk but again creeps up this terrible suspicion that I am ugly-more than ugly. As I walk and beat my self esteem into a pulp, I notice a shabby white Volvo driving around and around our neighborhood. Tulsa's labyrinthine streets often confuse drivers so I wasn't particularly interested but then the car slows and the driver, a young (and cute!) man still in his mall-clothes phase, motions for me to take my earbuds out. I do so. I thought he needed directions. He says to me, "I just wanted to tell you, I think you are really pretty." Happiness! I have the wherewithal to thank him, and then, "Are you lost?" "No," he says. I am not a flirt so our conversation did not last very long, but my heart was racing. Yea! All of the dark and stupid thoughts are gone. I am skinny and really pretty. And the only logical explanation of these circumstances are angels. Who else could administer a more perfect (and well timed) remedy? Angels are such a lovely symbol, and one worth paying attention to.
It is time again to diet. Normally I am not much of a dieter but as of late I have a: stopped smoking, b: experienced a metabolism change and c: been pigging out on junk food. So, with little thought and no consultation I have engaged in the Lean Cuisine Diet wherein I will only eat microwave dinners (featuring 6 grams of fat or less) until I am again comfortable with my weight. I have no idea if this diet will actually work, but then again all I have to do is actually eat these meals, every meal, every day, until I lose weight. The problem is that while the dinners are fast and handy, they often taste really strange and salty. Here is a list I'm compiling along with a rating of Lean Cuisine (LC), Weight Watchers Smart Ones (SO), and Healthy Choice (HC) entrees; the scale is from one to ten with one equating horse flesh and ten equating strawberry pie. 1. LC's Four Cheese Cannelloni-1. This sad little dish has the unique distinction of being both bitter and bland. It purports to be a traditional Italian dish; what I ate was something more akin to medicinal lotion in a tire slathered with grossly expired ketchup. 2. HC's Classic Grilled Chicken BBQ-7. Healthy Choice chicken dishes are pretty good, and the BBQ sauce is pleasantly spicy/sweet. I was less impressed with the potatoes (shriveled) and the broccoli florets (pitifully small/ disintegrates on contact), but the peaches were a yummy and warm complement to the BBQ. 3. LC's Deluxe Cheddar Potato-11. I cannot describe how much I love these potatoes. There is fake cheese galore and salt, salt, and more salt. The potatoes and broccoli are mere springboards from which the cheese salt soars into the heavens. Hold the phone: apparently there are turkey bacon bits in it too! Pure magic. 4. SO's Spaghetti with Meat Sauce-5. After eating this, I actually felt full. Maybe the diet is working already? The sauce does a decent impression of heartiness, but the meat could have been minced anything. The spaghetti noodles were ok, but agian, walking away with that "not hungry" feeling is priceless. 5. LC's Gourmet Mushroom Pizza-1. Did you ever wonder what a trashcan full of gangrenous corpses and feces tasted like? It probably tastes better than this pizza. 6. HC's Minestrone Soup-7. Although in no way was my appetite saited by the serving portion, I actually liked the taste and textures of this Minestrone. The base was a little too sweet for me, and the peas were squishy, but all in all a tiny tasty soup. 7. HC's Slow Roasted Turkey Breast and Mashed Potatoes-8. The turkey is a bit dry. That's it. That is my only critique. The sauce? Good! The mashed potatoes? Good! The mixed vegetables? They are mixed vegetables! The secret with this one is to mix everything together. 8. LC's Steak, Cheddar and Mushroom Panini-7. I suspect LC's success is dependent on their delightful cheddar, because like #3 this one is good. These panini's, which apparently means sloppy sandwich in Italian, are for the most part very tasty-just stay away from the edges if you have any sort of dental issues. Concrete would be easier to bite into. 9. HC's Lemon Pepper Fish-3. Yeah, I tried the fish. This tasted like something I ate in the cafeteria in my husband's grandmother's retirement home. It was the fish or chicken a la king and I do not do chicken a la king. 10. SM's Broccoli and Cheddar Roasted Potatoes-10. The serving size is smaller than LC's version of this dish, but I love it just as much. Well, almost. Where are the turkey bacon bits?
So that is my diet so far. I have not lost any weight-yet-but then again I stopped ballooning. I do miss the good times, however, like eating real food. Damn metabolism!
My investigation:
